Tuesday 12th January
This evening, after a bit of Dutch courage in the form of Prosecco ( dry January had turned decidedly damp!) I slip into my shiny nylons, and Wayne dons his 'sex pants'. Just slightly more fitted black 'hipster trunks' rather than his usual 'loose white boxers'. Earlier in the day, while Wayne was at work, I scoured the house for objects we could use in our s&m games. I find a a silk scarf, a feather duster, a wide paddle hair brush, a thick leather belt, some cable ties and an aerosol can ! I quickly decide against the cable ties, and stash them back at the bottom of his tool box...but pull out a rather pleasingly shaped , broken screwdriver handle! Poor Wayne's face, was a picture- when I tipped put the bag of 'toys' on the sofa bed. So now, we're in our ' sex clothes' surrounded by random household objects, we look at each other.... and crack into hysterics ! This is so not 'Fifty shades Of Grey'. After regaining our composure, we start off slowly. This time, Wayne wears the blond fold – and instead of light tickling I scratch him a bit harder with my long nails to avoid the 'tickling'. He likes it, and things are just heating up..when we hear the dreaded “Muuuuummmy !!!!!!” coming from the kids bedroom. Things are put on hold for this evening. Probably just as well
Wednesday 13th January
Wayne was changing the wheel on the Land Rover today, when he smashed his chest into the bonnet, and I heard a loud crack! He doubled over in pain, and could barely breath. Unfortunately, as the incident happened on a busy main road, Wayne argued there was no time to waste, and he'd just Man-up until the job was done. He necked a couple of painkillers, and ended up heading right back to work! I was quite concerned, and was definitely not sure about continuing our 'sex challenge in light of the accident. However, he's as stubborn as a mule – and since work hadn't sent him home, I thought he must be OK. That night, we continued with our fetish exploration, this time I was a 'naughty girl' who needed punishment. I loved this role play, and begged him to 'teach me a lesson' with his leather belt, as I bent over his knee. It was a bit more painful than I'd anticipated- and I even got red spank marks, but surprisingly this thrilled me even more. We didn't do anything too vigorous. But it was really sensual and kinky. I noticed Wayne wince in pain a few times as things go a bit more energetic, but he obviously didn't want to stop our erotic love making session – so we carried on. We both climaxed loudly. But Wayne seemed to take longer than usual to 'recover'. I'm sure something isn't right.
Thursday 14th January
Because of Wayne's aches and pains, I think It would be nice to share a warm bubble bath together- we've never had sex in the tub! Partly because I barely fit in it myself when I was a massive 20 stone, and partly because Wayne is so tall!
It turns out, his height has more to do with it that my weight. Can you imagine a 6ft 9 man, and his wife trying to squeeze into a normal sized bath tub. It was hilarious! We tried all different angles, and because the idea was for Wayne to soak, and relax his muscles- I made sure he was lying down in the water with his back at the curved – meanwhile I balanced on a set of Victorian mixer taps and a shower head. As I held on to the sides of the bath, and attempted to lower myself on top of Wayne's floating erection I lost my grip -and landed heavily on him- smashing my head on his chin, crushing his poorly chest, and splashing water and bubbles all over the bathroom. It looks so romantic in the movies. Perhaps if we had a large hot tub, things would've gone to plan. As it was, he bathed alone – and I went down to watch telly, with a plaster on my head.
Friday 15th January
Friday, woooop ! We have stocked up on wine, beer, sex toys from our Lovehoney tester box, lubricants and are planning to test out a 'couples erotic card game' called Kama Sutra.
We have a few drinks from about 7 til 8pm, making sure the kids are definitely asleep, and we wont be interrupted. Then we lay some pillows on the floor, and open the pack. We're a little tipsy , and can't quite work out the rules of the game. We decide to just warm ourselves up, with a bit of oral foreplay- then just pick random cards to choose our sex positions.
Wow , I can't believe how many weird and wonderful positions are in this ancient ancient Sanskrit text, composed around 400 BC . In this pack there are 52 cards , and 2 jokers. A new position for every week of the year. So, I remind Wayne, we don't have to try them all tonight! Some are fairly easy, and some are just ridiculously complicated. Anything which involves Wayne picking me up and carrying me- just aint gonna happen. I'm still 12 stone for goodness sake, he may have been on Ninja Warrior, but he's not the World Strongest man! I reckon we try put about ten positions. It's interesting, but focusing on the cards, takes away from the spontaneity a bit. I like them, but just as a novelty item I think.
I'm a 43 year old, mum of two little boys- currently living in Shepton Mallet in Somerset. I'm the Founder and Creative Director of Radio Shepton, a Stand up and comedian and spoken word performer, and write a regular column for The Wells and Shepton Mallet Journal. Which is the basis for my blog usually. I lived in Swedish Lapland for 7 years until 2014 where my boys were born. My partner and I ran a husky dog sledding business. Before that I was a poet, radio presenter, media lecturer, writer, TV producer, actress and burlesque performer ! I never want my life to be boring :)