Saturday 16th January
It's Saturday night, and I'm on the Chardonnay. Tonight's role play – involves Wayne wearing his orange prison issue jumpsuit, and me being a strict prison guard! It's funny, as Wayne did spend 24hrs lock-up in Shepton Mallet prison recently, for charity. Him, and around 40 other 'inmates' got the full prison experience – and raised over £30k for SOS Africa. He kept his overalls, and now they've become one of our 'sexy outfits'... oh dear me.
I look a bit daft, however, as the only 'prison guard' outfit I can find is a pair of navy trousers, and my son's plastic policemans helmet- which is designed for a four year old! Neither of us are able to take it seriously, as I march up and down swinging a plastic batton- with my toy helmet balanced on my head. We soon discard the outfits, and just get naked under the duvet. Much better. If a little chilly, as the heating hasnt come on yet. Wayne's still wincing in pain- if we don' t get the position just right. We take it slowly, and it's really nice.
Sunday 17th January
Things take a dramatic turn fo the worse, as we attempt vigorous Sunday morning rumpy. As Wayne rolls me over, I hear another loud 'crunch', and Wayne yelps in agony! Enough is enough, and after I force feed him some paracetamol- we head over the the Minor Injury Unit to have him checked out. I wait with the kids, and after 30 minutes Wayne emerges looking glum, and grasping a perscription for strong painkillers. “I've got 3 broken ribs” he confesses. I feel so guilty for making him have sex, he must've been in so much pain. The doctor has said he should rest completely, and that includes no more rumpy for now! Wayne is so stubborn, he's determined to carry on going to work – in the builders yard. I think he shouldn't – well, he certainly is going to be getting any more 'exercise' from me! Just a bit gutted, that we can't complete our challenge as a couple.
Monday 18th January
I knew he shouldn't have gone to work! For a start, he had to walk there- after discovering yet another flat tyre. It was pouring with rain, and he was as white as a sheet. His employers , have never been very sympathetic to illnesses – but I was really angry to hear that they sent him straight out to haul bags of concrete- when they knew he had fractured ribs! No surprise, that an hour later, he's on the phone to NHS 111- as he is in agony, and can hardly breathe. He rings me, and I order him to come straight home, assuming someone will give him a lift. Forty minutes later and he stumbles up to the doorstep, wheezing, and coughing- gasping for air. He collapses on the floor, and I immediately ring for an ambulance. He refuses to go to hospital, but he is atleast signed off for two weeks. Total rest, painkillers, and NO NOOKIE ! Are the doctors orders. Oh well.
For the rest of the week I play nurse, but sadly not in a sexy way! Wayne's like a zombie on the codeine based painkillers, and I feel less than attractive- in my joggers and wooly jumper. Bringing him cups of tea, and reminding him to eat.
By Tuesday , things have gone from bad to worse. Both my kids have been off school with coughs and colds, which Wayne has also cought. But he seems much worse than them. Every cough, cripples him, because of the pain in his ribs. And he's shivering even when the heating is on full. Either that of he is drenched in sweat. Whe he finally lets me take his temperature- I'm shocked to see it is 39.8C ! I ring the GP right away. She comes to the house, and after a few minutes- is certain Wayne has got Pneumonia. Despite his protests that he'll ' be fine!' she is adamant he needs to go straight to hospital. By the time an ambulance arrives, Wayne's struggling to breathe- and is put straight on Oxygen- and Intraveanous Antibiotics. After hugs from me and the kids- he's off to Bath RUH. And I'm left home alone, in pieces.
Wednesday 27th January
After a day of looking after poorly children, and having checked that Wayne is stable. I put the kids to bed at 7pm, and pour myself a large glass of Merlot. It feels so weird to be sitting on the sofa alone. I go on facebook, and social media sites- surprised to see that a story about my weightloss, and new career as a sex writer- has broken online- and is on all the major newspaper websites! I feel quite proud of myself- and how far I have come. But feel gutted, that we weren't able to compete the January Sex Challenge for The Sun.
I look over at the half opened box of sex toys , which Lovehoney had sent me. And start to have an idea..... sex doesnt have to involve both of us, I muse. Many of these toys, like the vibrators and dildos are designed for solo masturbation. What if...I carry on...alone???
Thursday 28th January
Kids are back at school. Wayne sounds like he is on the med, and I have the house to myself.
I run myself a warm bubble bath, and start to look through my Lovehoney parcel. I'm curious if the vibrators really do work 'in water' as they claim. It just sounds wrong, using something with a battery- in the bath! Only one way to find out... I sink into the bath. It's the first time the house has been quite, and I've had a chance to relax, in a long time. I pick up my pink Jessica Rabbit Tripple 2:0 and switch it on – well above the water. This just feels so wrong! I am convinced I'll electrocute myself. I'm so scared in fact, that I actually decide to get out of the bath, and just dip the tip of the vibrator into the bubbles at first – that way I might only get a mild shock, rather that boil myself alive, I reason. Oh, ok....It's fine. I plunge it further in, until the whole toy is under water. WOW, this is amazing. I hop back in the tub. I don't need to go in to too much detail..as we all know how a dildo works! But, just so you know ladies..the feeling of having that stimulation, and penertration- under the water, and the water being plunged in and out... is ..amazing! And yes, I had my first ever under water orgasm. All by myself! Highly recommended.
Friday 29th January
Time to get freaky with some Bedtime Bullets. We'd had a little play with these crazy little vibrating 'tampons' together. But now I wanted to try on my own. They are really funny to look at, I did a YouTube video about them- where I said that the cats love to chase them, and it's true! But they are so much more than a cat toy. I personaly found the small one a bit too small. Call me greedy! The larger sized 'bullet' is a better fit for me, and it really has some powerfull vibrations! There are varying speeds and cycles, you just have to click the controller, to go through the motions. You can put the bullet inside you, front- or back, or place it on your clitoris... or you could rub it against your nipples. It's loads of fun, and a styish sleek design. I used this while the kids were at school, I'm not sure how 'quiet' they'd be if someone else was around? My only criticism is not being able to plug the big and the small bullet in at the same time...again. Call me greedy!
Saturday 30th January
Wayne comes home. He's sick of hospital, but not better yet- by a long way. He still has a nother week off work to recover, and cannot go outside, do anything strenuos, or drink alcohol !
It's nice to have him back- and I don't tell him about my 'going solo' experience yet, although I know he wont mind. Lovehoney have been so happy with my videos and reviews, they're going to send us even more toys to try- and I promise Wayne, he can have first choice. Athough, I'm really hoping he doesnt choose the Jenna Jamesome Fleshlight 'pussy' or a tacky blow-up doll. I'm not sure how I'd feel about him having Teagan Presleys' Forbidden Butt , Sex in A Can Vampire Suck-U-dry! But hey..it's his choice. I've had my kicks. And once he's better- we'll certainly be making up for lost time.
I'm a 43 year old, mum of two little boys- currently living in Shepton Mallet in Somerset. I'm the Founder and Creative Director of Radio Shepton, a Stand up and comedian and spoken word performer, and write a regular column for The Wells and Shepton Mallet Journal. Which is the basis for my blog usually. I lived in Swedish Lapland for 7 years until 2014 where my boys were born. My partner and I ran a husky dog sledding business. Before that I was a poet, radio presenter, media lecturer, writer, TV producer, actress and burlesque performer ! I never want my life to be boring :)